Life is crazy, hard and beautiful.

So many things have changed since I last wrote in this journal.

I am no longer married.
The past few months I spent serving my strong Master in person. He is moving to my country as soon as possible. Life is going to be very different. Life is going to be how it should be.

I know. 
I could feel it too, in your voice. 



It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. I was curled up in my comfy armchair in the sunshine, talking with Master. I felt very close to Master during that phone call, really connected. We had been talking openly about life, and wanting the world to return to normal again. Master wanted to use his servant, have me kneeling there in front of him, massaging his feet. Hearing that created a huge longing to serve my Master in person. Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I’m here, and he is there. But I was feeling strong and hopeful that day. So I didn’t feel a crushing sadness while we talked, but I should admit a few tears did run slowly down my cheeks (I didn’t actually tell Master that was happening, I needed/wanted to be strong for him. I do miss my Master).


It’s interesting, I usually remember our conversations quite well. But this particular one I struggle to remember what was said when. I know we talked about me kneeling in the shower on the hard tiles that morning, and what that meant to me. I know he told me I would have an orgasm for him, after we finished talking. I remember Master saying he wanted to have me kneeling and he would mark my face. Mmmmm. My god I need that. I think the thought of kneeling in front of my Master and being covered in his cum is what tipped me over the edge.

Tomorrow morning you will mark yourself.
Mmm, Yes Master.
You will write Property of Superior Master across your chest. You will make it look nice.
Yes Master, I will.

As he spoke, I remember getting so horny, feeling how much I needed to serve my Master, to be completely used by him. I knew I was replying to him, “Mmm, yes, Master”, but it felt different to our normal conversations, my voice sounded different. It was no longer my sweet good girl voice. I was responding from inside myself, with no thought, just feeling. His voice was having a strong, direct effect on my body. I could feel it happening, I was aware of my body’s reaction to him. It seemed like it was my whole body reacting, head to toe. I could feel my body melting, getting warm and horny. Like I was radiating horny heat. I could feel my pussy was increasingly wet. His voice, energy and power over me was my entire world. I embraced Master’s energy, and I embraced my need to be controlled by him. I stopped thinking and just allowed all of that to fill me. It was a perfect moment where my mind was blissfully quiet. I felt safe. I felt so relaxed. I could feel my Master was leading me, and I just let go and gave myself to him.

Master was in complete control of his servant. Mind, body, soul. I was his. Nothing else mattered. I completely surrendered myself to my Master.



To me, it felt like I was in a trance. Aware, but no longer in control. I can’t remember the path of the conversation very well. Perhaps it wasn’t subspace I experienced. It seems like what I read about subspace is that it is brought on by your brain flooding your body with chemicals to cope with pain, which sends submissives into a drug-like high. Although maybe I was being flooded with endorphins? It did feel a bit like I was high/blurry. Whatever that moment was — I loved it. I wish so much to be with Master in person and be that way for him.

I remember in the early days of my training, Master told me he expected me to just respond, I wasn’t to think, worry or be self-conscious. It is something I have always struggled with. Not just when serving Master, it is simply a huge part of my personality. It has always been one of my biggest frustrations. After Sunday it feels like maybe I can actually let myself go, let myself be free to be who I am. Maybe I can be this way, how Master expects/wants. I really, really need to please him with this. And I need it for myself too. It feels, liberating.

There has been a mental shift that has occurred for me in the last few weeks. This is perhaps not the moment to write about it. Everything in its right time, yes Master? Although because of that shift, I understand my submission to my Master has deepened further. I wonder if this is part of the reason why I was able to experience what I did. If my submission for my Master is deeper, and I have realised I am giving myself over to him, maybe that makes moments like this more possible?



I must always be a better servant for Master. To be the way I was on Sunday feels like huge progress for me. It was a beautiful experience, a very special moment for this little servant. It was followed by an incredibly intense, strong orgasm. I am such a lucky little bitch. Thank you, Master. I am forever grateful for the beautiful things you create in my life.

Two years ago I knelt in front of a man I hardly knew and asked him to be my Master. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I was asking of him. All I knew was somehow that felt like something I needed. My body already reacted and connected with him more than it had with any other. I was curious and fascinated by what I felt. I already knew I needed to please him. I had felt that even before he asked me if I knew he was dominating me.

Master has become the most important man in my life, actually, the most important in my life, over everything else. So much of my day revolves around serving/pleasing my Master and being a good little servant. Serving Master over these two years has brought about many changes in me. Everything from the way I talk, my appearance, the clothes I wear, how I act, how I touch myself, to how I understand people, how I communicate and the importance to me of two simple words, “good girl”. I am still working on improving my fitness and my diet, those are a work in progress.

One of the biggest changes in me over the last two years is the complete certainty within myself of who I am, and what I need to be happy. I have a deeper understanding of myself, that I never had before. There was so much uncertainty this time last year. I knew I was submissive, but I was very fearful of my Master not wanting to keep his little servant. Seeking reassurance made me needy. The opposite of what Master wanted from me. Master has made it very clear that he wants to keep me for a long time. I trust that he is being honest with me. Not having to live with that fear is very freeing. I am incredibly grateful to my Master. I am much stronger in my submission now because of that certainty. I kind of feel like I am settling in to my submission, I feel happy and much more comfortable. Feeling comfortable doesn’t mean I am blasé or take Master’s dominance and ownership of me for granted. I guess I just feel like I understand better what Master wants from his servant, he has trained me very well. There are fewer moments of nervousness and panic about possibly displeasing Master.  

The past two years have been a time of learning how best to please Master, in the process I have ended up learning about myself too. I had always thought of myself as a fairly sexual person, but strangely never really truely enjoyed sex, which may sound odd. But now, my god, now I know why. I need to be used. I need my strong dominant Master to fuck me and use my body however he pleases. I don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to lead. I need to be commanded and I will gratefully obey. That is what makes me horny. I need that so badly. I still have some moments of feeling self conscious when I serve Master. If he wants to hear his servant orgasm, I really struggle to overcome my self consciousness about how that will sound to him. Or not sound, as is often the case with me, because I hold my breath so often. I feel frustrated and crazy because I struggle with that. But, I can also have moments when I realize my mind does go quiet, and all I do is respond, feel, obey. I love those moments. It feels so good to simply obey and not feel self conscious or ashamed.

Every time Master fucks me, uses me, I feel like I learn more, part of me changes and adjusts to the new feelings. The first time he fucked me really rough, yanking my underwear off and pushing my face into the bed, and the first time he fucked my ass without stopping when it hurt me, it felt different/strange, not scary, but it was new. I guess newness can sometimes take some adjusting to. Those moments are now scenarios which make me incredibly horny and wet, but I know at the time my brain was trying to manage what was happening. I always feel like I learn so much and then can’t show Master how I have changed, because we are no longer close enough to explore the difference in this little servant. Master wants to move here, to live and work in my country. This little servant hopes that gives my Master the opportunity to push me, to explore, to teach me how to please him better.

I am completely the property of my Superior Master. I am his possession, his good girl. These days I don’t like cup of tea touching me, it doesn’t feel right. I have to remind myself not to pull away. I can’t remember when we last had sex, perhaps it was in early August. I am dreading cup of tea asking me what is wrong, because I don’t know what I would say. He just can’t give me what I need.

2020 has been a challenging year for everyone, especially for my Master. It has been amazing watching his strength throughout the year, dealing with the forced change to his plans, it hasn’t been easy for him. I am proud of Master, for how he has dealt with everything this year has thrown at him. We never used to talk, but now he calls and uses his little servant to order his thoughts, to keep him company, or to change his mood. I’m so grateful when he uses me that way. It has helped me understand and get to know my strong Master. Which means I can serve him better. It has made me trust him more, and I am grateful that he trusts me. One day he called me and said he was feeling moody, then laughed, because normally he doesn’t want to talk to people when he is moody. I felt so useful to him that day, it made me happy that he feels comfortable to talk with his little servant when he is feeling that way. I am grateful for every single phone call. It is wonderful to hear him laugh, to hear him happy and joking, or passionately discussing politics and the economy. In an instant it can all change though, he might command me to kneel and I feel his strong energy warming my body. He doesn’t even have to say anything. I can feel his power over me, and I desperately hope he can feel my submission and respect.

This crazy year has meant that my emotions have been much closer to the surface than I would wish. I don’t feel embarrassed to cry in front of my Master, or admit that I am feeling fragile or down. But sometimes I do feel guilty. Because I know Master is also dealing with things, I never want to burden him. The strong connection between Master and servant also means that we can sometimes feel low at the same time. Master can always fix me, he has a way of understanding his little servant. For that I am incredibly grateful. As much as I dislike admitting my low moments to Master, I know I need to tell him, and I also know that once I tell him, the process of feeling better will begin. One day I was having a fragile moment, we were talking and he told me he would fuck my ass right now, even with me feeling the way I was. Because he knew that was what I needed. He made me kneel and commanded me to spank my own ass, he wanted to hear. It was so hot, spanking myself with Master listening. Master commanding me, “Again.”

Recently I was recovering from a very strong orgasm my Master had given me permission to have. I was curled up naked on my knees next to the bed, my head resting on the floor. Master had told me to breath and recover. I felt desperate for aftercare, to be close to my Master, curled up at his feet feeling his strong energy flow through me. I could feel my need radiating out of my body. Not just a need to be close to him, it was bigger than that, broader in feeling. It was my need to serve him. My need to please him. My need to be useful. Never have I felt it so strongly in such a way, it was almost like a physical presence around me. Moments like that confirm to me how much I am completely and utterly his.

The uncertainty of knowing when I will be able to serve my Master in person is incredibly challenging. As he says, even if we knew that it would be May, or even June next year, that knowledge would mean I could cope better. Sometimes I daydream about simply getting on a plane and leaving my plain life behind. The first time I told my Master I had been thinking about that, I held my breath. I didn’t know how he would react, whether I was allowed to voice such a thought. He tells me it would be good to have me there, to serve him. I feel it in my soul that he is right, that is what I need to be doing.

If someone had told me one day a man would command me to kneel on a hard tiled floor at his feet, order me to go and make him a cup of tea, no please or thank you, and that I would be perfectly happy to be ordered in that way, in fact horny and wet by the time I got up off my knees to go and complete the task, I would have never believed them. I never knew how strongly I would feel my submission, even with the smallest tasks. I never knew how deep this could go. Now I have a hunger to serve, to obey, to learn, to discover how deeply my Master will take my submission. He has told me one day he will make me his slave. When he said those words my body reacted immediately, a hot glow radiating through me, my heart racing. I don’t understand what Master would want from me as his slave, but that doesn’t worry or concern me. I trust Master to lead his little servant. I will obey him.


To my Superior Master, thank you for these two years. I am incredibly grateful to you for your teaching, wisdom, care, guidance, patience, time, control, power, strength and ownership. You have made this little servant better, stronger and wiser. You are the most important, I will never take your presence in my life and your ownership of me for granted. Your little servant will continue to work hard to improve for you. You deserve that, Master. You deserve the best. 

Master once asked me if I was playing at being submissive. We hadn’t seen each other for some time, it was still early in my journey. I can understand why he asked the question. But I could feel it in my soul, I was not playing then, and I am certainly not playing now. I am my Master’s little servant through and through. Sometimes now it does feel as though I am playing. But not playing at being submissive, I’m playing at being my plain self, the wife, the sweet friend who is always good.