The very beginning is late 2017. You touched your hands to my waist and waited for me to embrace you. I think from that moment, my mind clicked off, but my body and my soul clicked on. Of course, I didn’t know what was happening to me. There are only little snatches of memories from that moment, not much. But I do remember feeling this intense, yet easy, connection and energy between us. It would take me over a year to realise what that feeling actually was.


You returned a year later. On the Friday night a party is hosted in honour of your visit, every time you looked at me, I felt like you could see into me somehow. It was a very odd feeling. I was trying to keep my guard up, knowing that I was married and therefore nothing would ever happen. I told you I had been considering traveling to attend more of your classes. You said something like, “It would be worth it.” And I thought, wow, you’re very sure of yourself. There is no way I can go. That’s too dangerous.

When I left that night I said goodbye to you, and was walking down the stairs. You quietly said my name, and flicked your head. I walked straight back up the stairs and kissed you on the cheek. I had no idea why I walked back up those stairs. I found it quite unsettling afterwards. Now, looking back, I was simply obeying you without thinking.

I knew I should never have agreed to meet you for the drink. I was so nervous and I didn’t know what on earth I was doing. During the entire time I have been with my husband, I have never considered being with another man. Not even the slightest bit interested. With you, in that bar, I was all over the place. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t understand how I had got myself in that position. But the energy between us felt so strong, when I let it in.

When we left the bar, you walked towards me in the stairwell, and said, “Finally…” and you pushed me against the wall. I wanted you then. I needed you to consume me. I needed to feel your skin against mine. I got in the taxi feeling slightly dazed. I’m not a good liar, people can always read the lie all over my face. I got into bed next to my husband that night, and wondered how on earth I could keep what I had done from him.

Over the next few weeks we kept in touch. You asked me if I usually control or lead in social relationships. It is so interesting to reread that conversation between us. You of course had far more knowledge of what was happening and what was developing. I, on the other hand, was quite clueless. I said to you that if I am forced to lead I shrink back into myself. I get scared. I thought to myself, what a strange thing to say to you, there is no way you would understand. He’ll think I’m weird and strange. You just said, “Yes. I know.”

.

“Do you understand I’m dominating you?”
“Yes, I understand”
“Do you have experience with that?”
“No”
“I don’t mind if I need to teach you”
“I’m intrigued.”